The Birth of Goddess Cookie Felix

I am drowning in a sea of depression and dismay.

People are so empty and unaware. I am so frustrated about everything in this lifetime. It's so meaningless and unfulfilling.

I sometimes wonder about my past life selves and if they have suffered as much as me.

Who were they? Who did they become? What did they hide, suppress, destroy? How much was I buried? Did they cry as much as me, laugh as much as me, love as much as me?

Finding out you have been in a state of delusion for years has literally pushed me to the brink of insanity. The more more I dwell in the empty shell that I have never wanted to become, I'm slowly realizing how sane it feels to not be there. Which is pretty fucking scary yet awakening. It's like every part of myself is a mask that is slowly deteriorating. It feels false and if I've become someone who've somehow become shaped by trauma and abuse. I feel exhausted carrying around a woman who is filled with so much hate and sadness that I don't even know me. I feel like every experience has shaped me to become a different person. All my life all my trauma has debilitated me and molded into a different person every time something occurs. I sometimes feel like an unfinished work of art. A sculpture that gets molded and torn down every time I go through something. It's like I am forever a blank canvas that can never be finished. Like a lost Picasso or Leonardo da Vinci piece left incomplete right before the last stroke of beauty.

My mania has somehow taken over every part of my brain to the point where I am so unaware of my thoughts, my identity and everything around me. I feel like there is someone else living in my head planning and building everything around me and I am the hamster stuck on the wheel. For years I have had a ghost living in my head. I have become the rag doll lost in a ghost town of disarray. I have become the skeleton man caught in a lackluster life bored of everything outside his tree. But in my head unable to speak, interact with anyone around. Yet somehow my solitude has become my breath of fresh air. My awakening. My birth of Venus.

The voices in my head feel more real and more real than anything around me. Somehow pushing me to see every flaw within me. To my true essence, my inner beauty. My true form, my higher self. The woman who wakes up everyday and pours so much love to everyone around her because she is so filled with love for herself. A mother, a wife, a sister, a being so radiant and alive and free. She is connected to everything around her effortlessly and beautifully. She is abundant in so many ways. She is me and I am her. My north star. My naked and unafraid self. She is me. Goddess Cookie Felix.

Copyright ™Goddess Cookie Felix